I think of baptism

each time

I leave pans

to soak 

I think of baptism

it is morning 

and last night

I did not want 

to wrestle and scour

stubborn stuck bits

so I left the pan

in a sink full

of sudsy water

in the dark kitchen

to sleep

now

the stuck and stubborn 

bits do not 

put up the fight 

they had in them 

when they seemed unyielding

intransigent 

--they wash away easily

and I think of being

dunked in the river

the hopeful lined up 

in the hot sun waiting

their stubborn bits

already mellowing 

at the promise of how

water dissolves our edges

since we are mostly water

on a planet mostly water

so much of it salty

and how much depends

on the salt water flowing 

down my face

washing away the 

stubborn stuck bits

the ocean I carry inside

ready to baptize me 

into the world's ocean

I will tell you

(Of All Mammals, Elephants Have the Strongest Sense of Smell)

I will not tell you

I did not take 

the clothes to Goodwill

like you asked

I will not tell you

I unravel instead

every piece of clothing

rolled and bagged

evidence of the Montessori

training that taught

your once tiny hands

such tidy habits

I will not tell you

I lift each

to my face:

    first concert shirt

    fan girl apparel

    swag from school sports

each a sacrement

of who you have been

I will not tell you

I inhale your shirts

to receive

the blessing

of you

each one anoints me

with you

now so far away

in a city on a campus

in a building

in a room with

another mother's

daughter

I will not tell you

after the ten months

you mermaided

within the ocean

of my belly

I could not be

away from you

not for a moment

I will not tell you

I slept with you cocooned 

in the newly hollowed

curve of my body

breathing in your exhalation

as though I were your tree

I will not tell you

any of this or that

I am melancholy

I will not tell you

I am often lost

in your absence

I will not tell you

I wonder

if your scent

the ambered

aroma of home

--will vanish

*

I will not tell you

because I am

a mammal

in modern captivity

trained to leave wailing

babies in pastel cages

trained to celebrate

each contrived step

taken away 

trained to hand my young

to a conveyor belt

of strangers

to seek stickers and stars

to learn that worth 

is something earned

not your birthright

I will not tell you 

 because we 

are not elephants

living in clans

guided by matriarchs

to thrive

as ourselves

I will not tell you

I pace the house

nuzzling your shirt

like a lonely elephant

cow caged in a zoo

*

I will tell you 

instead

of the adventures

you will have

my mighty mermaid you

in the world's ocean

I will tell you 

instead

    I am here

    I am here

    I am here